**** A guy took his girlfriend to the movies. During the pre-views, she asked him if he would go and buy her some M & Ms.

When he returned with her candy, she opened the bag, picked out all the brown ones and threw them away.

 

"What did you do that for?" he asked her.

 

"I'm allergic to chocolate!" she replied.

 

**** A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open, exposing one of her breasts.

A nearby policeman approaches her and remarks, "Ma'am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?"

 

"Why, officer?" asks the blonde.

 

"Because your blouse is open and your breast is exposed."

 

"Oh my goodness," exclaims the blonde, "I left my baby on the bus!"

 

**** A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.

The bartender says, "Dang, why are you drinking so fast?"

 

The guy says, "You would be drinking fast if you had what I had."

 

The bartender says, "What do you have?"

 

The guy says, "75 cents."

Electric Train

 

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks."

 

The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."

 

Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."

 

As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Your Daughter is Pregnant

 

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

 

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

 

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

 

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

 

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

 

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

Your Daughter is Pregnant

 

A mother took her daughter to the doctor and asked him to give her an examination to determine the cause of the daughter's swollen abdomen.

 

It only took the doctor about 2 seconds to say, "Gimme a break, lady! Your daughter is pregnant!"

 

The mother turn red with fury, and she argued with the doctor that *her* daughter was a good girl, and would *never* compromise her reputation by having sex with a boy.

 

The doctor faced the window and silently watched the horizon.

 

The mother became enraged and screamed, "Quit looking out the window! Aren't you paying attention to me?"

 

"Yes, of course I am paying attention, ma'am. It's just that the last time this happened, a star appeared in the east, and three wise men came. I was hoping they'd show up again, and help me figure out who got your daughter pregnant!"

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i dont get it. LOL. theres still a bit of blonde in me!!

THE OLDER YOU ARE...

 

An old man made it shakily through the door to joe conforte's Mustang Ranch... outside Reno, Nevada.

 

The receptionist stared at him...

" you gotta be in the wrong place?! " she exclaimed.

"what are you looking for?! "

"ain't this where you allus got forty five girls ready 'n' able?...

 

the receptinist looked puzzled...

"ready for what?!"

 

"I want a girl!!" the old man rasped

"I wanna get laid!!"

 

" how old are you pop? " she asked

"92" he replied...

"92?...pop you've had it!!"

"oh" said the old man..

a little disconcerted as much trembling fingers reached for his wallet

"how much to I owe you??"

One monday morning a customer walked into rileys pharmacy with a complaint..."last friday evening you sold me a gross of condoms but when I opened them up there were only a hundred"

riley was apologetic..he wrapped up 44 condoms and passed them over to his customer

 

"hope we didnt spoil your weekend!!"

i dont get it. LOL. theres still a bit of blonde in me!!

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The doctor was being sarcastic. The three wise men came when Jesus was born, remember? And Mary, mother of Jesus, was known to be a virgin. She was impregnated by God. So the doctor was mocking the pregnant's girl mother by saying that maybe her daughter was another Virgin Mary.

 

@ Dom's jokes.

LMAO...those are so funny!

A man got pulled over by a cop because he was weaving in and out of the lanes. The cop got out of his car and asked the driver to blow in a breath-analyzer tube to check his alcohol level.

"Oh, no," the driver said. "I can't do that. If I do that, I'll have an asthma attack and die."

"OK," said the officer, "let's go down to the station and you can pee in a cup to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a diabetic and if I pee my blood sugar level will go down so low that I might die."

"Fine then. Let's go to the station and take a blood test to check your alcohol level."

"Oh, no, I can't do that. I'm a hemophiliac and I'll never stop bleeding if you draw my blood.

"All right then, just step outside your car and walk this white line for me."

"Oh, no, I can't do that."

"Why not?"

"Because I'm drunk."

 

The doctor was being sarcastic. The three wise men came when Jesus was born, remember? And Mary, mother of Jesus, was known to be a virgin. She was impregnated by God. So the doctor was mocking the pregnant's girl mother by saying that maybe her daughter was another Virgin Mary.

 

@ Dom's jokes.

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oooooooooooh, now i get it. LOL

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

 

( dont have your speakers up full blast when clicking this link )

 

Edited February 14, 200521 yr by michaeljacksonfan18

The Fukitol was great!!

Vampire bat

 

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the roof of the cave to get some sleep.

 

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.

 

He told them to go away and let him get some sleep but they persisted until finally he gave in.

 

"OK, follow me" he said and flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.

 

Down through the valley they went, across a river and into a forest full of trees.

 

Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

 

"Now, do you see that tree over there?" he asked.

 

"Yes, Yes, Yes!" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

 

"Good" said the bat, "Because I sure as hell didn't!"

A 6 year old daughter came running to her mother:

"Mommy, I climbed a tree with the boys today!"

Her mother replied:

"You idiot! They could've seen your panties!"

 

The next day...Daughter: "Mommy, I climbed a tree with the boys!"

"How many times do I have to tell you? Don't do that! They could've..."

"But I didn't wear any panties!"

It was during the 1st birthday of a boy, alot of guests were invited : friends, family, celebrities, beggars,... the parents make sure they invited everyone there are to invite but an old lady. Since that lady was a witch. Being very angry at the people who didn't invite her, the lady decided to show up at the birthday party and put a curse upon the child : If the boy call anyone's name when he grows up, that person will have to suffer a painful death!

As the boy learned to speak, the 1st person he calls is "Grandma". Just one day after that, his grandmother fell ill and died. The second person he calls is "Mother" and the same thing happened. When the father heard his son calls "Daddy" he was ready for his doom. He went straight up to his room, lied on his bed, and prepare for a painful death. Strangely though, the next morning he wakes up completely Ok! But the person who had to die was the man next door.

It was during the 1st birthday of a boy, alot of guests were invited : friends, family, celebrities, beggars,... the parents make sure they invited everyone there are to invite but an old lady. Since that lady was a witch. Being very angry at the people who didn't invite her, the lady decided to show up at the birthday party and put a curse upon the child : If the boy call anyone's name when he grows up, that person will have to suffer a painful death!

As the boy learned to speak, the 1st person he calls is "Grandma". Just one day after that, his grandmother fell ill and died. The second person he calls is "Mother" and the same thing happened. When the father heard his son calls "Daddy" he was ready for his doom. He went straight up to his room, lied on his bed, and prepare for a painful death. Strangely though, the next morning he wakes up completely Ok! But the person who had to die was the man next door.

<{POST_SNAPBACK}>

 

thats bad LOL

Oh dayuummmm.

I found this on another website

 

Top tips for Everyday Cheapskates (and idiots)

 

OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address

books. Simply cross out the names and address of

people you don't know.

 

WHEN reading a book, try tearing out the pages as you

read them. This saves the expense of buying a

bookmark, and the pages can later be used for shopping

lists.

 

FOOL other drivers into thinking you have an expensive

car phone by holding an old TV or video remote control

up to your ear and occasionally swerving across the

road and mounting the curb.

 

DRILL a one inch diameter hole in your refrigerator

door. This will allow you to check that the light goes

off when the door is closed.

 

SMELL gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an

ordinary match in every room in the house until a loud

explosion reveals the source of the escaping gas.

 

AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windshield

wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your

car parked illegally.

 

TAKE your trash can to the supermarket with you so

that you can see which items you have recently run out of.

 

NO TIME for a bath? Wrap yourself in masking tape and

remove the dirt by simply peeling it off.

 

EXPENSIVE hair gels are a con. Marmalade is a much

cheaper alternative, but beware of bees in the summer.

 

AVOID CUTTING YOURSELF while clumsily slicing

vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while

you chop away.

Here's another good one

 

Relationships??

 

Many many years ago when I was twenty three,

I got married to a widow who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter

Who had hair of red.

My father fell in love with her,

And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law

And changed my very life.

My daughter was my mother,

For she was my father's wife.

 

To complicate the matters worse,

Although it brought me joy,

I soon became the father

Of a bouncing baby boy.

 

My little baby then became

A brother-in-law to dad.

And so became my uncle,

Though it made me very sad.

 

For if he was my uncle,

Then that also made him brother

To the widow's grown-up daughter

Who, of course, was my step-mother.

 

Father's wife then had a son,

Who kept them on the run.

And he became my grandson,

For he was my daughter's son.

 

My wife is now my mother's mother

And it makes me blue.

Because, although she is my wife,

She's my grandmother, too.

 

If my wife is my grandmother,

Then I am her grandchild.

And every time I think of it,

It simply drives me wild.

 

For now I have become

The strangest case you ever saw.

As the husband of my grandmother,

I am my own grandpa!

Boy, that is too complicated. LOL.

I love this one....

 

HOUSE RULES (cat version)

 

BATHROOMS - always accompany guests to the bathroom. It is not necessary to do anything. Just sit and stare.

 

DOORS - do not allow any closed doors in any room. To get the door open, stand on hind legs and hammer with forepaws. once door is opened, it is not necessary to use it. After you have ordered an "outside" door opened, stand halfway in and out and think about several things. This is particularly important during very cold weather, rain, snow, or mosquito season.

 

CHAIRS AND RUGS - if you have to throw up, get to a chair quickly. If you cannot manage in time, get to an Oriental rug. If there is no Oriental rug, shag is good. When throwing up on the carpet, make sure you backup so it is as long as a human's bare foot.

 

HAMPERING - if one of your humans is engaged in some activity, and the other is idle, stay with the busy one. This is called "helping," otherwise known as "hampering." Following are the rules for hampering:

a) When supervising cooking, sit just behind the left heel of the cook. You cannot be seen and thereby stand a better chance of being stepped on and then picked up and comforted.

b) For book readers, get in close under the chin, between eyes and book - unless you can lie across the book itself.

c) When human is working at computer, jump up on desk, walk across keyboard, bat at mouse pointer on screen, and then lay in human's lap across arms, hampering typing in progress.

 

WALKING - as often as possible, dart quickly and as close as possible in front of the human, especially: on stairs, when they have something in their arms, in the dark, and when they first get up in the morning. This will help their coordination skills.

 

BEDTIME - always sleep on the human at night so he/she cannot move around.

 

LITTER BOX - when using the litter box, be sure to kick as much litter out of the box as possible. Humans love the feel of kitty litter between their toes.

 

HIDING - every now and then, hide in a place where the humans cannot find you. Do not come out for three to four hours under any circumstances. This will cause the humans to panic thinking that you have run away or are lost. once you do come out, the humans will cover you with love and kisses, and you probably will get a treat.

 

ONE LAST THOUGHT - Whenever possible, get close to a human, especially their face, turn around, and present your butt to them. Humans love this, so do it often. And don't forget the guests!

http://members.home.nl/saen/Special/zoeken.html

 

( dont have your speakers up full blast when clicking this link )

 

   

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*pant,pant,pant,pant* That was mean! That scared the living daylights out of me! I'm going to watch it again!