Dolls, I always loved to play with my dollies, my Mommy said that I was lucky to have so many beautiful dollies, they are so pretty, but when I was naughty my stepdad would smash one of my dolls but I suppose I deserved it if I had been naughty, I suppose I must have been naughty a lot because he was always smashing my dollies but he would never tell me what I had that was so bad!

 

Things were a lot better before he came along, Mommy was so much happier she used to always play silly games with me and we would laugh all the time, but I think she must be naughty a lot too because he was always hitting her then Mommy would go into a room and cry, she never used to cry, but when she cried I always went and gave her a cuddle, but she just always looks so sad.

 

Me and Mommy must have been really naughty one night because when he came home late one night he was acting strange, I was in bed but I heard all this shouting, so I went downstairs to see what was happening and he was hitting my Mommy really hard, I was so scared I couldn't move, but he hit my Mommy over the head really hard with something, so then I ran into the room screaming, but my Mommy wouldn't move, no matter how much I shouted and screamed at her she just wouldn't wake up!

 

Suddenly he started hitting me with things and it really hurt so I tried to run away from him, but he stopped me, grabbed me and put his hands on my mouth and I couldn't breath?????????

 

I'm with my Mommy again now, she says that were on our way to heaven to be with the Angels, but all I see is my real Daddy crying a lot, I don't want him to be sad too, and people keep saying that my stepdad was a really bad man and that he needs to be locked away, I don't why though, they say he murdered us, but I don't know what that means!!!

 

My Mommy says were going to sleep with the Angels now!

 

 

 

 

Right wht do u think? i kno it needs work cos it onli took 20mins to write but i realli wud like some feedback on this!!

...O_o That's like, really sad. XD

 

But really well written, sounds like it's from the viewpoint of a child. But feedback/criticism/crtique you say? Well...A child wouldn't have perfect grammar, but I would suggest cutting the paragraphs into a few sentences. You decide where, I don't want to be the one to cut the flow. XD And the only other thing I can think of is cutting the punctuation down--as in, after "I couldn't breathe", I'd think you'd only need three dots, because the sentence and what's happening holds enough punch in and of itself, and the "..." gives the idea of trailing off. And after "I don't know what that means", same as the other sentence I mentioned, it holds enough punch alone, so I don't think you need three exclamation marks. Uhm...now this is really nitpicking, but something you might want to consider--the opening. You say "dolls" but then go on to call them "dollies" throughout the rest, which isn't bad at all--depends on how you meant it to sound. But that's all I can think of.

 

I love it though. It's gripping and scary--especially good for something so short. XD

 

You say it's a monologue--are you reading it aloud somewhere, or acting it? Or did you just have to write it, or want to? Whatever the reason, if you have to turn it in or something, good luck!

 

Hope I helped. :blowkiss:

Ttys,

~MC~

Thnk u so much for the criticism, its reali for an assignment but for nxt yr (jumping the gun i kno, but i want it to b perfect) i say dolls at the beginning becaus i want to leave a pause after!! and i kno the grammar isnt good for a child, but i struggle to write bad which sounds strange i know!!! and seee i use !!!!! that a lot hehe!!!!

Thnk u so much for the criticism, its reali for an assignment but for nxt yr (jumping the gun i kno, but i want it to b perfect) i say dolls at the beginning becaus i want to leave a pause after!! and i kno the grammar isnt good for a child, but i struggle to write bad which sounds strange i know!!! and seee i use !!!!! that a lot hehe!!!!

NEXT year? Jeez louise! XDD I would never do something for so far away as next year. XD I'm such a procrastinator! But good for you. Getting things done.

 

I thought you meant to leave a pause, like reminiscing about it, "Dolls...I always loved..." I was just saying considering she calls them "dollies", just to be consistent she might say, "Dollies...I always loved..." if you know what I mean. LOL

 

No, actually, the grammar's really good for a child. Considering it's supposed to be written by a child, I was saying I don't think perfect grammar is entirely necessary, because a child wouldn't know. So a child might have a tendancy to not use many sentences and kind of ramble a little bit, but I pointed it out just for future reference. I don't know if your teacher would look at how good the grammar is in general or how well you write the character, with or without good grammar.

 

LOL, you're exclamation point happy. XD Nothing wrong with that talking like this, but in a written story too much punctuation comes across as...well, I guess just poor grammar.

 

Seriously though, you know the teacher I suppose, so you'd know if she'd be looking at the grammar or if she'd be nitpicking or looking at the writing itself and how fitting it is. A child, as I said, would ramble, not use proper grammar, etc. It's pretty dang near perfect as it is if you're going for the tone of it being written by a child. But speaking of rambling...I am. XD I'm sorry. Heh. I must not be good at wording today.

 

You're very welcome though, my pleasure. :blowkiss: I hope I helped.

~MC~