I was inspired to write this, from finally reading Michaels Biography 'Moonwalk'

 

this is the biography of a fictional actress named Patricia Knowles

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"I believe in doing better work. Just like the old saying, 'You don't get older, you get better'."

--Michael Jackson

 

?I'm a survivor - a living example of what people can go through and survive. ?

--Elizabeth Taylor

 

I had no idea of the character. But the moment I was dressed, the clothes and the make-up made me feel the person he was. I began to know him, and by the time I walked onto the stage he was fully born.

--Charlie Chaplin

 

 

 

 

?1. In The Beginning??

 

I remember my life as a kid, before it all started, I was a lonely child maybe, some might ask why I went through what I did, but today I know it happened for a reason.

 

Then let me start somewhere, I remember being, what 4 years old, sitting in my room, watching TV all on my own, and then it happened, I remember first feeling it was weird, since the movie was in Black and white, not a single colour, no words, only music and a text sometimes, which I couldn't even read, it was ?The Gold Rush? by Charlie Chaplin, watching the tramp suddenly gave e a weird feeling, I understood it all, the character, it was as if they were even talking.

I wondered what it took to be that good, I was hooked on Chaplin from that day on, he was a master, he could make me cry, laugh and at the same time feeling amazed, amazed about his talent, and I was only a 4 year old kid.

I was dying, just dying to get a poster, one day I had seen one, but I didn't have money and I wouldn't ask my mom, we couldn't really talk.

 

I found myself trying to act myself, I found it fun, and what I didn't know then was the fact that I could act my sadness out of my system, just like I suppose productive poets do.

My mom caught me a few times doing acting, I would either do monologues, or act more persons at one time, once I was doing 7 people talking, one of the times where my mom found me, she would interrupt me, I felt so annoyed, I was on a roll there, ?no Harry, I can not? ?what can't you Clarrise?? I yelled out in the air, Harry was angry. ?What do you think you're doing?? my mom asked me then, I got right up from the floor, with red cheeks, ashamed of being caught. I suppose also because I had the fear that she once again would beat me, that time she did hit me hard, and I was left to cry. Later that day I started acting again.

 

Now, you may think I wanted to be an actress back then, but no I didn't, it was just a new game I had found, something to do those late nights I couldn't sleep. It wasn't like I wanted to be like Mrs. Taylor, as I called her as a child, I'm of course talking about the great Elizabeth Taylor, who a long with Chaplin, Marilyn and loads of others did become my idols.

It was a game I played all my life, that I still play to this day, when I'm in my character, I still feel like the child, playing around, maybe I never grew up, after all.

 

When I hear, or read about childstars, I feel bad for them since they lost something very great: a childhood, they had to work all their life, an example is Michael Jackson, the poor child he was, started working at what, age 5?, or like Elizabeth Taylor, they never got to play, it was just work, work, work! I've been talked about like one of them, I didn't work that much in my childhood, I may have started at age 11, and by then my childhood was a mess maybe. You've properly seen me cry in a few interview, revealing the abuse I was subjected to, the bullying from other kids, even rape, all of that made me eager to grow up, with one reason, to get away.

And as I've cried before talking about it to some one interviewing me, I do it again, as it's tough to talk, or write about something you haven't even talked through with your closest.

I don't know if I'm ready to go deeper into it, or if you are ready, I will now sip some of my tea, which I take is cold by now, then I'll take a deep breath and write it, I hope.

 

My father had left my mother before I was born, I still don't know the real story about why and how, but that's all I know, all my life I never knew him, I've always missed the contact with a father dearly, just someone's hand to hold, a strong hand that you know could carry you if you fell, the only experience I've had, has been in movies, acting parts of a young girl with a father, that was a great time for me, but at the same time it got me down, I really wanted to be Maurice, or Annie, or what ever the names of the roles I played was, I felt so jealous.

 

I used to hate my father, when I was young I couldn't understand how, and why he could leave his own flesh and blood, and my mom did something to this as well, nor she liked me, I felt she hated me in fact.

I remember her trying to kill me when I was little, she couldn't handle me, I have always been a trouble maker, I still am! I remember once, being very young, she would put her arms around my neck and she kept them there, I seriously thought I was going to die, me and her does not even talk anymore, we have nothing to talk about.

I can't remember when she was even a little nice to me, I do wish I was able to forgive her, but she doesn't even want to know of me anymore.

 

A big problem with me is the fact that I'm different, I've always been, and I still am today, that's what some of my career is built on, so in the end it did come to be a good thing, but when I was a kid, it was hell, I started in school, with a hope to get some friends, play with other kids, as I hadn't been allowed out much, but I didn't have social abilities apparently, no one would talk to me, not even to say play with me, I ended in a corner, making up new characters I could play when I was alone, that was when I made up a girl, her name was Beatrice, and she was being abused by her father, sexual abuse, it may sound terrible and wrong for a child, 7 years old to even think, or know about that kind of stuff, I had experienced sexual abused on my own, but the girl I made up got it from her father, I ended up loving her, she became a sort of friend, not like I could talk to her, but when I was acting like her, my mind came off my problems, I would only think of ?what would she say?' ?How would she react?' stuff like that, she was my project in my head, I never wrote it down.

 

When I was around 5 or 6 years old, I made a decision, I wanted to grow up, I hated that I was what they called a child, I wasn't entitled to any rights, they could push me around if they wanted to, and they did, also I never saw a grownup ever cry, I thought to myself that if I could be like them I wouldn't have to cry in my room alone, I wouldn't be lonely, I would be more free, I studied grownups, in real life and in films and put it all together in my head, I would read he paper watch the news, I tried coffee, but disliked it anyway, but I knew grownups drank tea so I did that instead, it may sound weird to some, but it was what I felt was necessary to do, to help my situation.

 

I've never told people about my first real experience with acting was, it's funny not many people have asked about that, they just take ?A Story Of Hunger? as my first movie, and therefore my first experience, but it wasn't, it was a school play when I was 7 years old.

They were doing a Christmas comedy; I knew of course I couldn't get the main character as Santa, after all I was a girl, I had hoped to get a big part; I knew I loved acting by then.

?Patricia, you can be Santa's wife? I was told, a one liner, one appearance part, I felt so bad inside, they judged me to be bad at acting, not even giving me a chance, I still remember that line to this day

?Oh daddy, do not forget your lunch pack? I hated that she had to call him daddy, it was her husband! When I got home after haven gotten that part, I felt I could cry so much, to be fair they should at east have held an audition, but yes, later they saw that it should have been me, playing the other main character, the girl who helped Santa out. I felt so uncomfortable on stage, in the skirt and the blouse, the red lipstick, I hated my part, and I hated my line. It may sound selfish, I know that.

 

After school they had a drama team for the kids at the school, I went there, and we set up a big play and I finally talked the teacher into giving me one of the main parts, it was huge, but I managed to learn my lines fast, so I could work on the character, I was playing a grandmother.

I remember looking at the others when we were rehearsing the play, I would get so annoyed, they never knew the words, and if they do, they talked as if it was a robot, no, a robot would do it better, the teachers face would lit up when I would open my mouth saying my line, as if I really was ?Katherine'. I had even taught myself how it knit, so I wouldn't have to worry on pretending.

But the thing in that place that I believe blew away my teacher and made her help me get an acting career, was a scene where I had to cry, I was crying for real, with tears and all, everyone would stare at me when I did it, and as I had walked out they would all applaud, I was told it was a standing obviations the nights we did it. The last night my teacher found me when I had already changed from the costume into my real clothes,

?Patricia? she said, taking a deep breath. ?I have recommended you to be in a movie, ?A Story Of Hunger? it's called, they are looking for a talented girl around your age, they are interested in you from what I told them about you? she told me, I felt so happy, and at the same time scared, I was gonna be in a movie? Or what if I didn't make it?

 

When I came home and begged my mom if I could go all she said was ?fine, but you gotta go by yourself? I was 11 at the time, first I was hurt that she couldn't for once stand by me, being happy for me, at least help me. But nevertheless, I went to the audition, with my hopes up high, even when I saw the room filled with girls, wanting the same part as I.

interesting...sow thanks for sharing with us

That was written very well,and very interesting. Thanks a lot girl!

It written well..thanks for sharing !

2. What is hunger?

 

I walked in to the audition with pride, I had my head up high, for some reason I knew they'd have to pick me.

I was the only kid not to bring a parent, but I didn't mind, I was already a sort of grown up myself.

Finally it was my time to get in there

?Miss Patricia Knowles, is she present?? the guy called, I hurried in, very much eager to show them what I could do.

?Where are your parents?? Mary Nielson asked me, me and Mary are still close, I owe her a great deal, and I admire the work she has done, its sad people don't give people behind the cameras as much credit as those in front. Mary was writing the screenplay to this and other films I would be in later, I seriously think that she deserves more attention that the press ever gave her, I got so much credit for Henrietta, but in fact Mary had created her.

?They couldn't make it? I answered her question. And hen they all 3 started whispering, after a while I felt so annoyed by that, so I said

?Can I show you Beatrice?? I asked nicely though.

?Who is Beatrice?? Mary asked me, with the voice of a loving mother.

?She's a character I've been working on, her father is abusing her sexually? I said like it was nothing. But I was so excited, this would be the first time anyone would ?meet' Beatrice

?I've prepared a monologue over her thoughts? I told them, awaiting a reaction.

?Who helped you with this?? I was asked, I felt proud to be able to tell them I had done it on my own. I can't remember much of the monologue, but I remember I had to cry a lot, which made all 3 casters cry as well.

Mary got over to me and gave me a piece of paper. It was a part of the script, a dialogue between the girl and the mother, I was explained I was in pain and I was still crying after my father had been beating me.

I knew well how I'd feel myself when my mother would do it to me.

?Come here? Mary said, I walked over to her as the script said, but still acting like a frightened animal

?Why did he have to do it?? I asked, with tears forming in my eyes, I let them run down my cheeks.

?Schuss?

?But, I still don't understand? I said crying helplessly.

 

Then there was no need to hear any other girls for the role of Rita, they send the other girls home, and asked me if I could stay for a while longer, of course I could!

I remember punching the air, saying ?YES, YES, YES? out loud, I was so proud of myself right there.

They didn't want to lose me again, so already they had me signing papers, I had to confess that my mother would never sign this, she never allowed me to have any kinds of dream, and this to her would only be a dream. Anyway, I got signed, they phoned my mom to ask if I could stay with Mary, as it would be too difficult to travel all the way to Hollywood every single day, my mom approved, and I was delighted, I enjoyed Mary, she was nice, and a perfect mother, I felt she was a sort of mother to me, at least the loving caring woman every child needs in her life.

 

Not even on the first days of shooting I was nervous, I had a dress on, that had been torn open the back, and makeup had put new bruises on my back, they looked a little too a like, but it had to look real, that was the whole point.

In this scene, young Rita was lying on the bed crying helplessly after her father had been beating her. In the movie she was 14, but no one could tell I was only 11, I never thought I looked older as well, but I suppose I did.

Later on, when they had taught me stunt techniques we would shoot the scene coming just before that, or the other scenes, it was tough for me, but at the same time, I didn't have to pretend to be scared.

 

I was wondering about one thing though ?what had all that to do with hunger?' I asked Mary, who was the one I'd talk to in the evenings or late nights when we would come home to her apartment.

?hunger is a lot of things? she told me ?you can be hungry, like wanting to eat something, you can be hungry for love, because you haven't gotten it in your life, you can be hungry for drugs as well, you can have a lot of hungers? I still had a hard time understanding that fully.

But later I would though, thanks to someone I'd fell in love, and he doesn't even know it yet! It's funny, we've been friends since I was 14 and yet he doesn't know, I'm that shy!

 

It all went great shooting the movie, I felt they were happy to have me there, and I was happy to be there, I felt this was really my thing!

And when we finally ended it, I had turned 12 by then, they were having a party to celebrate, and the star of the show, as they'd call me, had to be there. It may not be a place for a 12 year old, but I was enjoying myself, I had a sip of some champagne, and the guys had a great laugh when I had to spit it out again.

That night was also my first experience with the press, at that time I thought they were pretty nice, they would ask me questions and I'd answer, and they'd take some pictures of me in m beautiful dress, now those pictures are worth a fortune, isn't it crazy? Some old photographs of me! But I suppose that's what fans are like

Now don't you take I dislike my fans, not at all, I love the fans, when I give out an autograph I still feel so excited, as a devoted fan of an artist myself, I know what it means to them, and I feel the same excitement, and after all, what is an artist without fans?

 

I've never really spoken much about my experiences on ?A Story Of Hunger' I still get a lump in my throat when I watch it, often I didn't know if it was real, or we were acting. But the reaction afterwards, was amazing for a girl like me, I was LOVED! The media loved me, I was their new darling, everyone loved me and appreciated the work I had done, it's funny, I did one movie, and then I could chose what movie to do next, between big name directors, I was really proud.

But to be honest what I remember most from those days, of what all that gave me, was my meeting with a certain someone, my dear friend Michael Jackson. I called and asked him if he was alright with the fact of me writing about our first meeting and h was fine with it, yet I think he will be blushing when reading this!

 

I was invited to his Dangerous Tour that year, I wasn't one of his fans, but yet I admired the talent he was, and yes I owned a copy of his albums.

I really enjoyed the concert from the balcony, it was awesome, I still remember all of it, almost every step!

After I was supposed to meet him, I was excited, I knew he was a great man, a legend!

 

They would lead me in, and I met this man, the first thing I saw was his belt, I was so short! Then I looked up and saw this nice man smile at me, I felt shy as ever, I shook his hand and said as nice as I could, trying not to shake too much

?Hi, I'm Patricia? I felt so weird inside, after a while I realized what it was, I had fallen in love! I had just turned 12, so I felt so ashamed about it, I mean he was a grown man!

?I know, I'm Michael? he told me nicely, I could really feel what a special person I was standing in front of.

?I, I, I, I loved your show? I remember telling, stammering so hard, he just giggled at me. After a while I was lead out, I had to go back to stay with Mary again, and I realized one of the hungers she had mentioned, love! At the same time as being plain crazy about Michael, I also wished he had been my father, I could feel how perfect he was with children, that's something a child knows